Charlie's Stinky Angels

A parody of Charlie's Angels (2000)

FFPPHRrrtTT

“Just call be angel of the morning... baby…:”

Dylan was stirred awake by the farting and the off-key singing. She sat up on the gently rocking bed and pulled the sheets around herself for modesty. Her make up and hair was in shambles. Her lipstick was streaked across her face like clown make up. She rolled over in the bed and was greeted with a round butt.

She arched an eyebrow with a mischievous grin. The butt turned around, and a half-erect dick and drooping balls pointed in her direction.

“Morning Starfish,” Chad said. Dressed in a sleeveless shirt and nothing else, her on again off again boyfriend, Chad, stirred scrambled eggs in the kitchen of his boat.

“Chad,” Dylan said blissfully. “Sweet Chad.”

“I figured we could have a little breakfast.”

PPHHRRttRR!”

His asscheeks rippled apart as he farted again.

“And then, maybe, after… we could have a little Chad.”

Dylan chuckled, and her cell phone rang.

“Hold that thought.”

She answered the phone, and her face became serious.

“Got it. I’ll be right there.”

She turned to Chad with a disappointed smile. “Isn’t that just the luck?”

***

Natalie’s tight butt swung back and forth. She danced around her apartment in her Spider-Man panties and t-shirt. She looked behind her in her mirror and moved her butt in wiggling circles while giggling.

Her stomach gurgled.

“Oh!” she gasped. Clenching her cheeks, she waddled down the hall to the restroom, but the doorbell rang, and she turned on her heel and waddled the other way.

Natalie opened her front door, still smiling and dancing, but not with any specific dance moves, just a sense of impending urgency. A delivery man, stunned by the wriggling woman in her panties, handed her a package.

“Good morning!”

Natalie took the package and signed.

“You know, I signed that release waiver, so you can just feel free to stick things in my slot!”

The delivery man stared at her, stunned.

Natalie shook the package next to her ear. The delivery man walked away, still staring, and gave her a little wave.

Natalie waved back and -

SSPPLLRROOTCCHH

Her panties ballooned out at the seat with gooey diarrhea shit, an enormous package that immediately began leaking through the fabric. Her panties began to droop, and Natalie held up the sagging, swollen, shit-filled cotton with both hands on the waistband. Putrid, rotting shit-stench seemed to explode around her in an invisible cloud.

The delivery man, watching this, turned pale.

Natalie smiled nervously and sidestepped back into her house.

She squished down the halls, hunched over, when the phone rang…

***

Alex looked straight forward, intensity in her eyes.

“I want to get one thing straight between us,” she said.

“Go ahead. We’re way past -ouugh- s-keeping secrets at this point,” the other voice, a masculine voice, paused to groan.

“This is going to be long, hard… and rough.”

“URghk.. s-sometimes when it’s rough I just get there- OHH GODddd…”

Alex rolled her eyes. She put down the script she was looking at and peered into the open bathroom doorframe where her boyfriend Jason was doubled over the toilet, pants around his ankles, sweat dripping from his body, shitting his brains out. The smell of sweat and feces was so strong it drifted out into the hall.

Long, hard, and rough, turds scraped and forced their way out of his shitting, hairy asshole with violating, cracking, soul tearing intensity.

CRRKKPPBBLLTCHHH

“You’re never going to get these lines right if you don’t practice!” Alex chastised him.

Jason knit his finger together and clenched, his face turned red. Between his muscular leg, his balls dangled over the toilet bowl. His dick, though, was half erect and bobbing upward.

“it’s your muffinsss!” Jason whimpered.

Alex stopped staring at his cock and frowned at him. “It is not. You just caught a bug or something.”

SPPRRtCCHH

Jason grabbed at his stomach and doubled over.

The cellphone rang. Alex shook her head at him. “My cooking’s not that bad… is it?”

***

The Angels were hired by investor and industrialist Vivian Wood to find and recover the kidnapped Eric Knox. He was the engineer and founder of Knox technologies, which created a ground-breaking voice-identification software. They followed and investigated the rival company, Red Star Systems, before finding the suspect. After a fight with the cane-sword wielding suspect, the Angels followed him to the sewers…

Dylan kicked open the door. At the end of the metal corridor filled with six inches of water was a bound man tied to a chair. A bare-assed man tied to a chair.

The Angels rushed forward and shined a flashlight onto the gagged face of Eric Knox. He was sitting with in his own dried shit. He must have been there for a while. His ball sack rested in his own feces and his circumcised cock drooped downward.

“Knox!” Dylan said.

Natalie shined the flashlight on Knox’s dick while Alex started to ungag him. Natalie grinned.

“And Knox’s cox!”

***

Natalie power walked out of the club. She spoke into her cell phone, all business. An assassin had just tried to kill her, an assassin sent by Vivian Wood, the real mastermind behind the kidnapping.

“Dylan? It’s Nat. Listen, Vivian Wood is a fake and all-around bitch. Her assassin just paid me a visit. We gotta warn Knox.”

On the other side of the call, Dylan, dressed only in a bedsheet sat up in Knox’s bed. She had been tasked with setting up the security equipment at his house, but the night had turned romantic.

“Well, I’m at his house right now,” Dylan said, stepping out of the bed and wrapping the sheet around her like a toga.

“You are?”

Dylan face palmed. Her stomach gurgled and her eyes widened with a rushing pressure building in her guts and spreading downward to her butt.

“Call Alex and meet me at the agency,” she said, bed sheet clad and rushing out of Knox’s bedroom to a toilet. She hung up the phone.

She stepped out of the bedroom and into Knox’s living room, a large area with an entire wall made of windows that looked out over Los Angeles. Knox was standing by the windows, glass in hand, looking out over the scenery.

Dylan winced and clenched her gurgling cheeks together.

“Hey! Don’t stand near the windows! It’s not safe!”

Knox walked over and greeted her with open arms; seemingly unaware that her panicked peachy butt was ready to explode, he held her face and kissed her. Dylan tried not to bounce in place, the pressure building.

“Ooh, toga!” he said.

Dylan pulled away. “Listen I-“

Suddenly she became aware of another presence in the room. Turning in her chair, Vivian faced the two. She smirked.

“Working undercover?”

Dylan tightened her grip on the top of her toga.

“Well, it’s a full-service job,” she said wryly.

“Oh, I bet. I have to tie up some lose ends here. Why don’t you take a seat?”

Dylan sat down on the couch. Knox stood over her. Moving her hands, she used the scrabble tiles on the table to spell out “ENEMY.” She looked up at Knox, who just gave her a little kiss on the cheek and walked away.

Vivian pulled out a gun and pointed it at Dylan. “Bad news! Your girlfriends are dead!”

Knox, meanwhile, pulled his coat off, exposing his sculpted arms. The façade of the awkward software engineer fell away, and he moved with a sinister, dreamlike grace full of charisma and malice. He lit a cigarette.

“You know. I don’t think things are going to work out between us. Which is a real bummer, cause you, Dylan, are a tomcat in the sack.”

The edge of Dylan’s mouth twisted up for a split second.

“Oh, you liked that?”

Knox slid over to Vivian and began kissing the nape of her neck.

“Tell him what’s going to happen next, Vivian.”

Vivian smiled. “All the angels are going to heaven.”

“Bosley?” Vivian asked. Bosley was their manager and their point of contact to their supervisor, the mysterious millionaire Charlie.

“Oh we’re keeping him. We like him, him and his little laptop.”

Dylan looked around the room. She shifted from foot to foot. A loud, rippling fart escaped from her clenched hole.

PhHBBttPPHHBBttPHHrRtt

The fart was so intense that her toga fluttered upward in the back, flashing her naked legs up to the bottom halves of her small round buttcheeks.

She tried to act like nothing happened. “The kidnapping was a set up, and Red Star was a set up.”

“You got it all figured out,” Knox said. “And you know what else? I put laxatives in the chicken.”

At this, Dylan arched her eyebrows with shock. “Why?”

Knox smiled, beaming rockstar sex energy. “Cause I thought it would be funny. Turn the Shake and Bake into a little Shake and Bake and Quake. Any other questions?”

PPHFFRTTT

Dylan turned red. Her colon burned and screamed, just like her heart and soul were burning with rage and betrayal.

“Why? Why any of this?”

Knox’s hand coiled around Vivian’s and they pulled the trigger together.

“Ask your boss.”

BLAM

The bullet shot through the air. In that split instant, Dylan flung herself backward; the bullet barely missed her head but went crashing through the window behind her. With her momentum, Dylan fell through the window. The towel unfurled from around her body and the edge caught on a sharp point of glass sticking up from the bottom of the window frame. Completely naked, Dylan clung to the towel like a lifeline. Her knees and hands gripped it like it was a rope in gym class. Her heart raced, her stomach twisted, and she held on and clenched her ass with steel determination.

From the perspective of Knox and Vivian, Dylan was shot in a head and in a flash was catapulted out the window. They walked away, and Dylan could hear their footsteps while she dangled from the side of the building, fifty feet from the ground. She held her breath, her grip slipped, and her knees fell away from the towel. Her legs were spread open. She felt the air on her hairy pussy, her sticky folds still drying from the passionate sex she had with Knox less than half an hour ago.

It was quiet. Knox and Vivian were gone.

SSPPPLLPPPBBBBBLLSSHHTTTCCCHHHHHH

“OOHHHHhh SHITTT!” Dylan moaned. A girthy, blazing hot shit snake fell from her sputtering, dilating asshole. Her eyes rolled back and her toes curled. The crackling rope of poop burned and stung and forced her open, but the sliding sensations and the pure relief made the experience both heaven and hell. Piss splashed in frantic uneven spurts from her pussy. The night air blew the smell of her own dangling shit up to her nose, but she didn’t care.

The monstrous turd dangled, long tail that stretched out between her legs, one foot, then two, then three.

“OH FUCCK!” Dylan winced and moaned at the same time. The bedsheet strained against the sharp glass.

At five feet, the anaconda of shit fell to the ground and Dylan sighed, but only for an instant. The bedsheet gave way with a SHHRRIPP

“WHOOOA-AAH!”

The naked Dylan fell down onto the hillside below, tumbling down it, her body crashing against grass and brush.

“OWW! OUF! OHH! OWWW!” Dylan yelped, rolling down the hill faster and faster. She sped down the hill, before being launched into the air by a small cliff. Dylan covered her eyes as she soared through the air, her boobs bouncing. She peeked through her fingers at where she was going to land.

A tall, cylindrical, almost phallic looking cactus rose up from the hill side.

“OH NO-OOHHH!”
 Dylan landed ass first onto the cactus. Her eyes bugged out and teeth clenched. Thousands of pointed cactus needles jabbed and became stuck in the squishy surface of her pale and unwiped ass.

“AAAIIIEEEEE!”

Dylan bounced off the cactus and flew through the air toward a tree rising out of a backyard. She landed and disappeared inside the branches with a sickening, dull thud.

Inside the branches. Dylan twitched and whimpered. She shook and convulsed. She had landed on a tree branch, pussy first. Entire body rigged and twitching at the gut-wrenching pain lancing up and down her crotch, she gripped the offending tree branch crushing her pussy under her weight and gingerly tried to pull herself off it.

“Ouhhh…” she whimpered, only to lose her balance immediately and crash into the bushes below.

Covering her body with her hands, Dylan crawled out of the bush. Twigs stuck out of her hair, and she was covered with mud. Needles stuck out of her red and swollen ass. She, very slowly, rose out off the ground with jerking, wincing spasms. From the patio doors of the house next to the tree, a family watched with stunned horror.

Dylan yanked a small t-shirt off a clothesline, the only article of clothes on the line, and tugged it over herself.

***

Natalie and Alex arrived in front of the headquarters at the same time. When they got out of their cars, a high-pitched buzzing filled the air. They turned drown the street to see a bottomless Dylan, ass full of needles, buttcrack full of shit, wincing with pussy pain, riding toward them on a small child’s motorcycle.

Her eyes were cold when she pulled up to them.

“Don’t ask.”

***

The Angels waded through the crashing waves in their wetsuits. They held bags with their equipment over their shoulders The sun glared down on them. They had found out the island where Knox was holding Bosley, and with the help of Chad’s boat, were able to approach the island.

The three girls peeled off their wetsuits in unison, exposing shining wet skin. Their backs arced as they tugged the wetsuits down to their waists. Their breasts moved and shook with each footfall. They tugged the wetsuits past their asses, mooning an invisible audience, before stepping naked out of the wet material.

***

Knox stood in front of his set up, monitoring his plans. Suddenly, Dylan, now fully clothed, fell behind him from the ceiling. He turned, casually.

“Dylan, so glad you’re alive.”

Dylan stepped forward, only for Vivian to reach out from behind, and grab her panties out of her pants, wrenching them up into her ass with slicing pressure in a horrible wedgie.

“EEEEEee- my buttt!” Dylan squealed.

Vivian bounced Dylan by her bikini cut panties while Knox slinked forward.

“Well, let’s fix that!”

He grabbed the waistbands of her jeans and panties, Vivian let go of her grip, and Knox stripped her bottomless.

“w-Wait!” Dylan shouted momentarily stunned, which was just enough time for Knox to grab her around her waist, sit down at the desk and pull her over his lap. Vivian grabbed some chains and looped them around her flailing outstretched hands.

Knox stared at her bottom and pinched her cheek. He pulled apart her butt cheeks, staring at her everything, her pussy and winking butthole.

“HEY!” Dylan screamed, but Vivian stuck some duct tape across her face.

“MMnnGGR!” Dylan growled.

“It’s such a shame,” Knox said. “You have the fullest, sweetest, most luscious lips I have every kissed…”

Grinning, Vivian grabbed a red sharpie and drew a pair of lips on the duct tape covering Dylan’s mouth. Knox raised his hand-

WHACK

“MPHHNN!”

Dylan screamed and thrashed under Knox’s spanks. The chains clinked, and her noises, though muffled, were still incredibly loud from behind the tape.

WHAK

“MNNMM-MM!”
 WHAACCCK
 “MMNeENN!”

Her buttcheeks shook and vibrated and then her eyes bugged out. The panic and stress made something shift inside her colon, a muddy rumbling.

Knox lifted Dylan up and dropped her bottomless body into a chair with her arms behind her. When Dylan’s ass hit the hard wood, a wet fart burst out of her cheeks. Kneeling down, Knox tied her feet to the chair legs.

SPPphhrttBBtt!

Knox grinned at her while several men entered the room. They stared at Dylan with malice. Knox yanked the duct tape off her face.

“YOWWOwww!” Dylan yelped.

In another room, the phone rang.

“If you’ll excuse me, I have to take this call,” Knox said.

He turned to the other men. “You guys like chocolate angel food cake?”

He left the room, and the men moved slowly toward Dylan.

As soon as they approached, Dylan slammed her feet down against one of wooden supports of the chair, breaking it and freeing her legs. One of the men swung with a kick, but Dylan skidded backward in the chair. They took fighting stances.

“Wait wait wait!” Dylan said. She spread her legs open and stuck her feet out in a “STOP” gesture, flashing her pussy and the bottom of her buttcheeks squished against the chair seat. The men stared, transfixed.

“I got something to tell you! By the time this is over, every one of you will be facedown on the floor, and I’m going to moon walk out of here.”

The men moved forward, but Dylan slid back another couple of feet.

“You’re not listening to me. I’m going to leapfrog over you. And I’m going break his nose,” she nodded to each of the men. The men paused, and Dylan squinted, focusing. An arc of hot piss sprayed out of her pussy, splashing up against her leg and into the eyes and mouth of the nearest crook. He sputtered and blinked with rage and disgust.

“GET HER!”

Dylan jumped forward and spun the chair around, crashing it against on of the men. She charged backward with the chair knocking the man to the ground, and flipped over backwards, her bound hands now in front of her. She flipped and dodged and bounced over the men, half naked, ass and thighs bouncing and flexing, roaring and kicking and sweating, not because of fear, but because of the growing burning gurgling in her ass…

A few minutes later, all of the men were unconscious on the floor.

“And that’s kicking your ass!” Dylan announced. She turned and her arms tried to reach for her ass as her concentration slipped and her poop turtled free. “Oh! OH SHIT!”

Dylan turned, bent over, and emptied her bowels, spraying ropey sloppy turds over the unconscious men with farting sputtering streams. She grit her teeth, but, as she continued shitting in a seemingly never-ending streams and bursts, her face grew slack and her eyes rolled back with relief.

Shit dripped from her slimy asscrack and down her leg. She stood up and surveyed the unconscious men covered in her feces. The stench was rank, the stench of burning sewage that filled the entire room.

She smirked, and squinting with concentration, Dylan farted the tune to “Smooth Criminal” and moonwalked out of the room.

***

Chad’s boat drifted to the pier. Chad at the helm, noticed a strange figure standing on the pier. It was Dylan, bottomless, ass still shitty but now dry, and arms still chained in front of her. Knox had been defeated; his own helicopter used against him.

The boat stopped and Dylan jumped onto the deck.

“Starfish! What happened!”

Dylan moved toward him, slid against him.

“Got into a little trouble, but I came back to thank you. And after, to see if you had some bolt cutters or something for these chains.”

Chad swallowed hard. His dick swelled in his pants. His eyes bounced up and down between Dylan’s bottomlessness and her face. The earthy, pungent shit stink mixed and clashed and complimented the sweet smell of Dylan’s hair.

“Well of course s-Starfish- the Chad is always prepa-“

Dylan leapt onto Chad and kissed him, deep and passionate. She pushed him inside the boat toward the bed. Chad’s arms awkwardly explored and ran across Dylan’s back. When Dylan came up for air, Chad gasped for breath.

“I- The Chad has to admit, Starfish, that he finds this smell intoxicating,” Chad said breathlessly.

Dylan dove in for a quick kiss, and then and second. On the third, she clung to his mouth, with her lips. Her hands ran down his body, and his ran across her legs, feeling the sticky texture of dried pee.

She smirked. “Oh, do you now?”

Dylan pushed Chad onto the bed and turned around. She stood over him and bent down, lowering her stinky, shitty, spanked ass toward him.

Chad stared up in awe at the stinky, shitty butt descending onto his face.

“Oh, it’s a good day to be The Chad.”