The Patreon Letters - 30th December, 2017

Hey there everyone, it's Jackson with the final patreon letter of 2017! The year is done, 2017 has released us from its grasp, and things can only get better from here. That's not true. The last bit of that sentence was a little joke. A funny funny joke. What I'm saying is: things are really bad these days.

The upshot of that is: I don't really know what to talk about. This isn't a matter of being bereft of content: I saw that Blade Runner (too long, but it's fine), I played some Mega Man X2 (still not the game I want, but a much better version of the game it's trying to be than the first), I'm almost done with Season 3 of Enterprise (the plot finally happened and it got good again). But my heart isn't really in that.

Honestly, my heart isn't in much at the moment. In addition to being exhausted by the world in general, I'm demoralized with the games spaces I'm in at the moment. I've watched as a friend has had to go into lockdown due to the sheer amount of abuse she's been receiving over a piece she published. I want to be clear: I don't like the piece, I'm one of the people it makes uncomfortable and I think this should have been handled better. But watching the extent to which she - a trans woman freelancer with no institutional support - has been torn to shreds, when steadily employed, cis games press can say things like this on the regular without facing any form of consequence has me ready to delete my account and quit the podcast. 

This isn't about the piece. I don't like the piece. This is about the people who are allowed to learn, the people who are allowed to fuck up again and again and again, and the people who are left behind. In the rare occasion that an established, cis, white man fucks up enough that he becomes a PR liability, he can just pivot to talking about awful politics and live off his patreon. I'm constantly terrified I won't be able to afford groceries after I leave university. Why the fuck am I sticking around? Why the fuck are any of us sticking around?

I don't have a good answer right now. Inertia? Because I believe in the work I'm doing? Because maybe we can make this space better, brick by brick? All of these are acceptable answers, but with every passing day, yet another person is going to decide that it's not enough. In the past few years I've seen some of the kindest, smartest, most important voices in games just disappear because one of the most present forces is a fucking hate mob that just exists and that's just a thing we have to deal with. I've had a low level hum of nazis in my mentions for days because I said video games should probably hate trans people less. Why would anyone choose to be here?

I love doing Abnormal Mapping. I love the friends I've made, I love Em, I love Destiny, I love that the Discord server now gives me a space to hang out with all of my friends in a more safe environment. I do this because I love it, and because it has been a source of happiness and togetherness in what has been - and still is - a very lonely and difficult few years. I can't even begin to overstate how important this is to me.

And so it breaks my heart that I spend so much of my time angry at the world, angry at the failures of this space, watching my friends get hurt, watching my friends struggle to eat while those who hate our very existence thrive. 

This is a short letter, and it isn't going to have some strong conclusion. I feel like I should end with some renewed resolve for 2018, to keep on going regardless, to not let them win. But the truth is, that's not honest. I'm sad, and I'm scared, and I know things are going to get worse before they get better - if they ever do. 

But despite it all, for now, I am still here. And while I'm here, I'm going to try to keep making cool things for as long as I can. We have some very exciting plans for 2018, and we're beyond thankful for your support in making it possible. We hope you enjoy.

And that's it. A shrug and a thank you, and we keep on trucking, because there isn't anything else to do. Tell your friends you love them, tell someone you like their work, give someone a hug from me. Here's to the death of this awful year, and I'll see you on the other side.

Jackson <3