More Money Than You've Ever Seen In Your Whole Life (NSFW)

This is it: Me at 19. Instead of partying and  doing drugs, I was getting naked in front of the camera, which felt far naughtier at the time. But I still WANTED to. Almost to prove that nothing bad would happen, I guess? Rebellion? It's also worth mentioning I had a BRIEF sexual relationship with this photographer before I came to my senses so it was FUN.

I always had mixed feelings about modeling instilled not only by society but by my own family's tendency to devalue women who used their looks to get ahead and emphasize college as being the only reasonable path to take. They also had this notion that 'getting famous' which was equivocated with 'becoming successful as an artist' was a matter of 'being in the right place at the right time' and not much else. It's a powerless philosophy.

On the one hand, they did believe in me, in their own way, but they didn't know enough about the world then and certainly not as it started rapidly changing to get me to 'the right place at the right time' to have me cast in some major role or a modeling contract at 16. They thought too highly of me and too little of me at the same time. It's something I struggle with still today: That I'm neither Kim Kardashian nor a homeless drug addict. I'm somewhere in between and that's OK. My life isn't screwed up, it's going just the way it needs to for me to reach my final form (a Charizard. My final form is a Charizard in case you were wondering.)

Modeling at 16? Hah. At 16 I was trying to survive my mother's weekly rampages/emotional episodes fueled no doubt by her drug and alcohol abuse, her meddling in my teenage friendships behind my back, one of my best friend's moving to another state, and trying to cope with being dumped by the first boy I ever loved and lost my virginity to. My world felt very small and I remember for the first time in my life feeling OLD. Aged. Like I had wasted my time. All those relationships and friendships that I expected to last my whole life fell through my fingers like sand. 

And I still had this whole life to live. I wasn't suicidal. I was shellshocked.

But I was strong and being strong at that time meant swallowing my pain and doing the things I needed to do to make my mother stop yelling at me. And getting out, of course, became THE #1 Mission. Didn't matter what I wanted. There was NOTHING I wanted more than to be away from her. That's a big part of why I had to leave my hometown behind, there were no opportunities in that life, in those towns, with those people. She was making me sick and I knew I couldn't get well in that environment.

I took a bold path and paid the price including a lot of growing in a short span. I have regrets and I wish I'd more guidance in young adulthood, but it's been a wonderful surprise to find that the things I like to do can last for decades now in this new and increasingly legitimate digital world. I figured out most of the adult-ing stuff on my own.

I can do so many things, and that's a big part of what you're supporting here: My relentless will to try, do, create, learn, speak up, and change. It's too soon to say, but I think that will be a defining characteristic of my generation; the desire and ability to accumulate many skills across a variety of platforms and digital cultures and re-synthesize them in a way that is entirely one's own.

If Patreon came out 10 years ago, man, can you imagine? I probably would've dropped out of college. (But maybe I wouldn't have, since I never really did that for me in the first place.) I do think I would have taken better care of my body if I knew modeling would be my career. I've always eaten like trash and it's hard to change those habits now.

In any case, I wouldn't have accumulated so much debt, and I would have been a lot more confident about 'life after school' and not spent so many years in dead-end jobs. At the same time, I learned the most important communication skills and marketing techniques I know now due in part to the shitty jobs and life experiences that went with them... 

Not because they had great training or mentorship opportunities, but because I insisted on it.

Me at every job I had: Why are we doing this? Can we do it faster or more efficiently this way? How can we get more customers? This is broken and here's how I want to fix it. People are complaining about this, why is it still broken? Why does this detail matter?

Which I guess as you can imagine made me an annoying employee. But after 4 years learning about business and no business and no capital of my own, can you blame me for starving for knowledge and being eager to learn?

I was always puzzled as to why people didn't want to teach me and invest in me. I thought that was the whole point of starting a business you're passionate about, but hey, what do I know. Not much, but I get to do everything my way now.

For better or worse.

I also struggled off and on with severe acne during these formative years, it's a problem I've only very recently resolved, so I have to keep that factor in mind. I might've done a LOT of things differently if my skin was not so wrecked and my mental health not so precarious as a result of PTSD. I might've worked harder at modeling. I might've also gone to more parties, met more friends, more lovers. 

I'm really not trying to 'make excuses,' just being honest with myself now about how things were. How things progressed. How things are now. I did the absolute best I could, and I have to forgive myself my mistakes. I'm doing the best I can now too, and I do think my mind is healing. And I'm so much better equipped; have a lot of 'tools' in my mental health 'toolbox' that young Caitlyn didn't know about. Dietary changes, vitamins, exercise, cold showers, all kinds of new tricks to create bliss. The old philosophers warned us the whole time, life is suffering. They were not exaggerating; bliss is hard to come by.

Anywho, I seem to ask myself a lot "Is there still time to get everything done?" 

And I'm gonna go ahead and end this essay by simply saying 'Yes.'

I hardly recognize this girl, and at the same time, I look pretty much the same. Cheers to strong genes and getting better at makeup and modeling over the years. Here's to another couple decades of being a sexy beast with a busy mind and zero chill xx