"Back to My Roots"
Added 2022-12-22 16:31:00 +0000 UTCThis color change might not look like much, but the moment I saw it, it altered my reality.
I have had my hair dyed BRIGHT RED for over 13 years. Sure, there have been slight variances within those 13 years (purple ends, blonde highlights, ombres), but nothing ever heading in the direction of my natural hue. I felt that my hair color became a part of my branding. A striking way for people to identify me amongst others. But it also became a part of something much deeper.
When I first looked at those honeyed browns shining in that salon mirror, I saw my sisters. Then, I saw my mom. I burst into tears. I was not expecting to see any of my family members looking back at me in that reflection, let alone my mother. It was then I realized my bright red had been part of the way I had divided "them" from "me".
Growing up, I wanted to be ANYTHING but my mother. To me, she was mean, detached, uncaring, and resentful. (I later learned she was just really, really sad.) In the distant corners of the rooms I was frequently banished to, I would whisper utterances such as "I'll never be like you" or "I hate you". Oh, how solemnly those muttered curses hung within the confines of my tiny ribcage. I vowed even at a young age to never resemble her in any way. Little did I know that part of the desire to never become "like" her was hidden under the red that made me not "look like" her. I could hardly see her face when crowned with a firey mane, bright enough to distract the eye from noticing familial nuance.
I have not yet repaired the relationship with my mother, though I have tried. I have extended olive branch after olive branch, but to no avail. As I wept seeing her face looking back at me, part of me wondered if she, too, needed to see the resemblence of herself in ME.
My mother & I, we are connected. Even if we deny it.
This journey to becoming fully self-actualized has been unearthing the most beautiful and painful lessons, and I'm so grateful to be able to share these deep learnings with those who value the art and stories I have to share. Cheers to riding alongside one another in this great adventure called life.
M
