Getting help

It's hard to overstate how much I loathe these words when its about myself. In part because I hate to be "that guy" who needs to annoy somebody else, in part because if I can't do something, I am less a person and also less capable, less important and less valuable.

Or at least that's how it feels. How I've been feeling about myself since ever, for decades.

I could attribute part of it to a misunderstood religious belief I was teach by my parents- "If you trust god he will help you. He's all the help you'll ever need in your life!" that somehow I interiorized. I could attribute it to simply personal pride. Or... I don't really have idea. All I know is that it's annoying and sad to think that most of my issues can boil down to my parents teaching church values wrongly, or to my parents simply being... themselves.

But I finally caved in, in part out of desperation, and accepted the help of someone dear to me who offered it.

And indeed help started. Putting order in my daily routine as a very first thing. "Don't stray away from the routine" is my main goal. Having several projects and swap often to avoid "getting bored", because believe it or not your ADHD still does affect you when you get older. Doing some exercise in the morning to keep a flow of dopamine. And some other changes in my life.

I'm not answering to myself the question "What did you do today?" or "How much did you progressed?", but more like "Did the schedule work? What changes will you do tomorrow?" and funny enough, it's worked wonders. In one week alone, with even less "work hours" than usual, I managed to do more things than in any other week alone for years. Tweak it based off your own feedback. Let's do it again.

For the first time in who knows how long, I can see a proper way to move on and complete works that have been lingering there for years. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for the first time. Right now that light is just a small light above a service door (did you know tunnels have service doors?), but it is something to try to reach on.

In the end, though, I finally managed, with said help, to put order in my life. Something that I had been trying to do for years too and failing each time because I tried to do it alone.

And I couldn't do it alone. Much to my chagrin, and as much as I hate it.  I hope that in one month, when I made another progress report, the news are still positive ones. Because, being very honest, I'm tired of bad news. Bad news in my life, in my family's, and in the life of everyone I love and care about.

Anyways, back to stuff.

See you later.