"The Main Character" Lyrics

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I’m the first-person they talk about in all the books

I’m the perspective you cannot doubt, see how I look,

Control the narrative reliably, baby it’s all about me

And I wrote the book about throwing the book at those who

Don’t do it by it

So now I’m holding myself hostage, Stockholm lust just looks like justice

And enough lefts don’t make the right but two wrongs do, oh man, Sun Tzu would love this

Beating my dead high horse off the high road to low ground cause

If you shake your fist at snakes in grass it looks like punching down

So God forbid I’m seen just as an average human being

I mean, imagine if protagonists just died in the first scene

I’m the gap between a tragedy and comedy, don’t come at me

I’m the main character, and you have to like me

I loot plot armor from NPC’s, well they are to me.

Trite tropes, traits, traumas, trinkets, and treats. It’s all XP. Look in the

Sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, no it’s super-ego. The underdog you cheer for

Villains are everywhere, that’s how I know I’m the hero

So tie me to the train tracks, laugh and snidely twist your mustache, Snidely Whiplash

Boris Badinov, ignorin’ me’s bad enough, where do you get off?

Da, das vadanya darling, Daleks in high collars monologue 

And I outsmart them with a ray-gun and a tweet

So God forbid I’m seen just as an average human being

I mean, imagine if protagonists just died in the first scene

I’m the gap between a tragedy and comedy, don’t come at me

I’m the main character, and you have to like me

Judge me by what my cover shows, author becomes beyond reproach

You don’t know the prose, or if the spine is still intact.

Like Alice fell to wonderland, come Astroturf my Overton, 

And embolden my demand to live by alternative facts.

Her majesty says "the royal we demand a standard loyalty 

And an agreement to be reverent, lick the emperor’s new boots."

The court fool got the guillotine, the witches the stake, you the dopamine. 

And Siemens made the Zyklon B, but we all still get the flu. (It’s nothing new!)

We all do what we need to to get through.

But I ain’t done a fucking thing to you!

So god forbid I’m seen just as an average human being, I mean

Imagine if antagonists lacked any evil schemes

I’m the gap between a tragedy and comedy, don’t come at me

I’m the main character and you have to like me.