Tour Diary 8.25

A few weeks ago, while my hair was growing back unevenly after having shaved my head, I went to the barber and was utterly butchered. I had asked him to clean it up on the back and sides, and he asked me if I meant a fade. I wasn't sure what that meant exactly, so I said "maybe?" and he immediately went to work and took it past the point of no return before I could say anything more. So for the past few weeks, I've had a very aggressive fade, which is about as far from my preferred style as a haircut could be. I hated it with every fiber of my being. Thankfully, it's grown back at this point, but that's got a pretty major downside, because my haircut had since become a major part of my show and an opening bit that I've grown entirely dependent on.

Every night, I've gone out onstage, and in a heartfelt and humble tone, told my audience that I wanted to address the elephant in the room before beginning my show. I'd tell them that it wasn't easy for me to talk about, but it was necessary, and so it was time for me to open up and clear the air. The audience would grow tense with anticipation, silently preparing themselves to hear me talk about a very painful and difficult thing that was likely on some fans' minds, and then I'd say "my barber gave me a fucking fade." And the tension would give way, without fail, to roaring laughter and thunderous applause. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but it has knocked every audience dead so far.

But now, my hair has grown back, and the fade has vanished. The crowd at the Atlanta City Winery and I held a moment of silence for my fallen bit, and I've been trying to think of something as strong as that to open with ever since. Something to as equally effectively subvert the expectation. Hell, I've been considering going to the barber here in Charlotte NC and getting a fade or some equally uncharacteristic haircut. I've been looking at myself in the mirror trying to find the funniest and most noticeable flaw in my appearance. I've been making fun of my outfit in my head. None of it seems funny enough.

I'm not sure what I'll do tonight. Fall back on the old bits from the last tour? Maybe - but I have less confidence in the nerve wracked weirdo character than I do in the relaxed and authentic version of myself I've found myself able to settle into on stage in ways I never could before. The audiences step on my punchlines sometimes, and I'm no good at responding to that in character, whereas I've come to enjoy the process of dealing with it as myself. I'm genuinely considering getting a haircut. Or changing into something more awkward.

I used to spill my guts in blog posts on here; share private things and really just say whatever. These days I don't think I can do that anymore. The things on my mind are increasingly difficult to speak about, increasingly likely to become a matter of public discourse, and increasingly risky to open up about in any real sense. I had a moment in the green room bathroom where I had a passing urge to punch a hole in the wall, angered by something particularly painful that happened to me recently, and by the injustice and violation of it all. I'd normally go into the details of it, how it made me feel, and my thoughts on why I've been numb to it for so long. But I don't think it's safe to even say what it is at this point.

I'll say this: I think I'm satisfied if this is how my story sort of ends. I don't mean my life's story, don't worry. I'm not going to die. I mean the story of "Will Wood's" music career and life as a public person. The story that seems to be told by my discography, my public image, and my plans for the future, seems to have come to a close rather well. I'd be satisfied with it ending after this tour. It's got a nice arc, makes same good points, and could maybe offer some sort of comfort or inspiration to others who feel like they can relate to being at any point in that story. I'm not thrilled with it, but I'm okay with it, and I think just being okay with something is about the most you can reasonably ask from the universe.

I'm still here for a while, and enjoying being with my fans now more than ever. I think it's a bittersweet but ultimately happy ending. I've started to come to terms with and make peace with things that have haunted me throughout my career. I've started to grow out of the dream and learn to love reality. I'm hurting over some things, and I'll never be fully satisfied, but I know where I've been the good guy and where I've been the villain throughout my ridiculous life, I know what's good for me and what isn't, and I feel greater confidence in who I really am under all this bullshit than I have maybe ever. 

Thanks as always for the support and all that. As I come to what may be the end of this weird little story, I appreciate it now more than ever.

Much love,

-ww