Sunrise (Hi Res + Extra Thoughts)

This is the hi res (~3600 px)! Thank you so much for your extra support. <3 <3 <3

 A painting for Myr! A good wing stretch as the sun rises helps start the morning off on the right foot. 

A big ol' thing for Myr because he let me take home his old tablet when  my Wacom was in repair! While I wasn't able to paint with it, it DID let  me keep sketching and doodling, and this is my way of paying him back.  Though, as usual, I went way overboard to try to make him look as regal  as I could.  

Corel Painter 2021 didn't seem like a huge upgrade in the trial, but  finding a discount made me take the leap up, and wow, is the performance  so much better when you're in the thick of a painting. Now I can play  with more of the crazy brushes without too much worry, and really get  into the details. I'm excited~ 

... I also just realized I used a pose very similar to this in another  commission. I think 'resting dragon' is a comfort zone. I need to  practice more animal anatomy and posing, I think...!!

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Whoof! It's been a bit, eh!? Hi. I'm so sorry.

So, some of what I want to say is going to be behind this $5 wall just because it's a bit sensitive, but I also want to be transparent about why things were slow. I recently turned 30, and that birthday broke me a little bit.

It's been a rough steady build-up of anxiety and woes on my end. Obviously the election and everything is some of the stress, but some is also my work, my speed versus my quality, my life goals and where I'm going... It all got a bit overwhelming. A lot of "I'm 30, and nowhere near where I wanted to be. Am I a failure?"

It culminated in putting a lot of energy into this painting that, visually, I think was worth it, but emotionally, might have been destructive. I had a full breakdown a few days before completion, with full suicidal ideation. Not saying that for pity, saying it for full understanding of how bad I was in my own head.

I'm doing better now, though. I think taking a step back and really pushing the face and scales helped, in a weird way. When it was done, the relief that hit me was... Immense. "I finished a painting, maybe some of my best so far if I can say that to myself, and it's just... Fantasy." (I uh, realized then shortly after I re-used a pose in a slightly tweaked way from a previous commission which... Whoops!) 

It kind of reinforced what I need to remember -- variety helps me. Muscle and fat is so much fun to draw, but I also need to bring in fantasy and illustration. Marrying the two is still a complex problem in my brain, and I want to handle it carefully, as I don't want one to overpower the other? If that makes sense. But. Regardless. I'm okay now. I'm better--mentally, emotionally, and a bit physically even (doing a bit of cardio workout in VR or in general to help me). I need to keep this momentum going, if I can.

Thanks for sticking by me and helping me, you guys. Thank you for helping me do work like this, and for just... Helping me not collapse in on myself, if you're also one who reaches out to make sure I'm okay or just say hi (I don't bite!). It means the world to me. Thank you, all of you. <3