Evening Dip (Hi res + thoughts) (NSFW - fat fetish)

No way to really crop this one to still show a lot of the painting like the last image, so I'm cropping it to the face and a bit of background. Please check the attachment for the full image!! I just don't want to drop a "fat fur" piece on someone if they happen to be scrolling a normally safe Patreon feed while at work or something.

This is the hi res (~4K). Thank you so much for your support!

A painting for Wilgeon / fattysumodragon on Twitter! Nothing beats a long day of training and eating good food than a quick dip at a quiet pond.

A sort of follow up piece to one Wilgeon and I got a while back when Deriaz was somewhat new to being chunky. (Guess he's had a bit more to eat since then!) This image went a different direction than initially planned, but I think the result is worth it. This was a lot of fun to do, and I'm pretty happy with it -- not just because it's a subject matter I don't get to paint a lot, but also because I got to give some love to it in my own way, through a full painting. Tried to spread the love out into the background too. c:

Again, left as attachment due to the absolute size of this unit and having a foot, no less the whole leg, into fetish territory. Enjoy, guys. Much love, Wilgeon, for allowing me to work with you again!

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Whoof. Big boy. [sweat drop emoji here]

So this image is actually kind of an... emotional? mental? pairing to the last one, the lion pin-up. It sort of encompasses a lot of what's been on my mind a lot -- my process and my results, versus what I paint and the subject matters I enjoy.

Those of you who have talked to me on Telegram or Twitter, or maybe have come into Twitch streams, know that I put a huge amount of stock into how I'm perceived. Maybe... Maybe a bit -too- much stock, at times. A lot of that comes from my work. As an artist, obviously you can't escape that connection, right. But I also can't entirely control the connection a viewer will make. There's a sort of give and take, a meeting in the middle that has to happen. For my stuff, I think it's pretty clear where both sides are at, and its that meeting in the middle that confounds me.

Even in fetish artwork like this, you know, I still want to provide the best possible piece I can for my friend or my client. Whether that's in pushing the refinement further, or doing a grander perspective, or something else entirely, my main goal is always to 1) Make them look cool or attractive and 2) Always try to be doing better than the last piece or time I got to work with them. But a viewer doesn't always have that second goal in mind. They shouldn't, really. For a viewer, I think goal number one is the main thing.

So when we meet in the middle, how do you get across that the quality of the work matters just as much as the fetish? It's something I don't think I've really nailed yet, and it eats away at me a lot. I've been taking steps back away from Twitter and the like (somewhat unsuccessfully so far) due to burnout and depression due to worries like that. I want to be taken as seriously as someone who may do paintings for, say, Magic the Gathering, but if some of my work is grounded in fetish... Does that undermine it? Not actually asking for an answer, just been carving at this question for a few years now, with little progress to show for it.

But I'm still proud of this, dangit. I think it's in part because of my age, but I don't give a damn as much anymore if my portfolio has some risque stuff in it, so long as I'm trying my best., But then, the rest of what's going on in my head needs to be solved by me and me alone. I think -I- still care if it does, and there's this underlying worry that because of it, I don't deserve respect or praise.

I know a bit of this is caused by my work output. I only really do commissions. I have been struggling with some form of attention deficit and depression/anxiety derailing me. Confidence issues have flared up again. And so on and so on. I want to get away from backgrounds a bit, to scale things back and focus on my technique and how I apply it to figures and some very light backgrounds, like tight cropped ones. I don't think my backgrounds have ever been anything to write home about, and honestly, they kind of feel like they are making my stuff feel a bit worse, a bit weaker, a bit flatter than they could be.

 I also need to do more personal work. I do maybe one piece for myself a -year-. I'm scared of not having the funds to be able to pay loans and things, so I hesitate on it a lot, or worry that I should be "working". Prints don't normally sell very well, so that means I gotta output more, personal or otherwise. So I'm gonna hope I can get myself back on track and back into good habits and energy by stepping back from social media a bit. (That doesn't apply to here, of course -- I still read any comments left, and you know I'll still answer ya'll on Telegram when I can. <3) 

2020 killed a lot in me. To bring some MySpace energy, I've thought a lot about some lyrics by Free Throw from their song, "The Corner's Dilemma" -- 

I just want to be a normal person / or anything but me. / Stuck in a room full of people, too anxious to mingle. / My brain yelling that it's the perfect time / to get existential: "Your body's a rental. / Something is wrong; I think you might be dying."

I had huge hopes in 2020. COVID killed a lot of them, and my depression and anxiety scavenged from the rest. I didn't think I'd hit 30 hiding in a basement, afraid to go outside due to an airborne pandemic. I wanted to sell at conventions again, to really go nuts into art. Instead, I fell into routines of worrying about what I do, how I'm perceived, how my only real connection to people is online from how bad I am in person, and tics, anxiety, restlessness grew while my focus faded. 

I want to fix that in 2021. I want to both impress with my work more, even in fetish pieces. And I want to put more of myself out there in hopes that that helps do so. I need to tackle burnout, and doing something for me seems to be what a lot of people I've talked to agree is the best way. So... Yeah. I think this has rambled on enough. I guess it shows how much has been on my mind, huh.

Enjoy, guys. I know this isn't everyone's cup of tea, but it's one of mine, and I hope that despite the subject matter, you still appreciate the work in it. <3 Much love. Your support means the world to me and the beginning of each month brings me to tears sometimes. It really does help me immensely. I wouldn't be half as okay without your collective support. I want to do better for you all. Love ya'll. Thank you. <3 <3 <3