Really Bad News

I've been mentioning recently that I've had a lot on my plate. It's getting to the point where I can think about much else anymore.

My sister and mother, much like myself and my late father, suffer from addiction. Mom is developing wet brain and while she is lucid now will begin to lose her mind as her condition worsens. Alcoholism is a very vicious disease especially as it enters its final stages. She will lose her mind. She will lose her faculties. It's not a fun way to go..

My sister is expressing interest in treatment and I'l do whatever I can to get her there. She is very bad off as well, touch and go. Her going is ultimately going to be her choice and I cannot predict whether she'll decide one way or the other. Addicts can be unpredictable and often it seems that no circumstances are bad enough for us to change. One day we're ready to stop and the next we're on a tear.

This is kinda dominating my brain. I feel an emptiness inside me. The mother that raised me, the one that worked all that overtime to make sure I got my Christmas list, the one that used to talk to me every day after school, the one that used to be an active participant in my life, is long gone. I love her very much. But she's been dead for years.

That said, I will not be suspending the page. I've found that when I suspend it the first week is great and then I lose my sense of purpose. Silly as it sounds, my writing makes me feel like I'm contributing something to people that they enjoy. I get satisfaction reading messages from people who can't wait for the next release. I think it's best I keep going, though release dates may be fucky again due to the circumstances. There's also no real timeline here. My sister could deny treatment and we could stop speaking again. My mom could continue to live and we'd also not speak. I really, really, really, hope my sister gets better because having to cut her out of my life was brutal and I worry about her so much. We'll just have to see, I guess.

At that same time I'm not ripping you guys off either. I'm gonna do as much as I can as fast as I can. Release dates will be fucky but you will get what you paid for. I swear that much to you.

Oversharing again. I just wanna keep you guys in the loop.